This week was a rough one.
I’m sitting here now, having coffee and re-watching Suits and trying to reverse whatever unwelcome thing is going on inside my heart. It’s been hanging out there for a few days and, despite my attempts to rally, it’s got some SERIOUS sticking power.
I’ve tried to wash it away by double-fisting my coffees to-go. Didn’t work. I tried to run it off, pushing myself to stay on the treadmill until I couldn’t anymore. Didn’t work. I tried to plan a really adorable Halloween party for little ones. Albeit fun and super cute, it didn’t work.
I’m starting to think this unwelcome thing is actually there on purpose.
You know, I’ve never tried a cigarette before and I remember how bummed out I was when I heard that Jennifer Aniston (my idol, from “Friends”) was a smoker. “BUT, YOUR LUNGS! AND WHAT ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE’S LUNGS???!!!”
I remember crying during my high school lacrosse game because I slashed a girl by accident and she was swearing at me like WHOA and I wanted to apologize to her but was kicked off the field with a red card. I cried until I could say sorry because HURTING SOMEONE (and them thinking you did it on purpose!) IS NOT COOL.
In grade one, I played on wet monkey bars at recess and spent the following recess against the wall, receiving my consequence for going against the morning announcements. I can’t think of another time since then where I’ve upset a teacher. Actions have consequences and I refused to give up any more recesses ;)
Y’all are laughing, but I speak the honest truth. I don’t even cross the street unless the walking man says I can.
So, here I sit, having coffee and re-watching Suits and trying to reverse whatever unwelcome thing is going on inside my heart. And I’m starting to see, after days of tears, that I should drop the “un” and welcome whatever this thing is.
Makes total sense that you can’t shake who you are <3